HELD BACK TO BE MADE WHOLE
TOSIN ASIRIBO
It was a Tuesday morning when I woke to the Holy Spirit’s voice: “Tosin, you won’t get your NYSC call-up number now. You aren’t ready.” Though I hadn’t been anxious about starting the compulsory year of serving my fatherland as a National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) member, curiosity struck. I wasn’t ready? How? Why would God say that? I had done my best to dot every “i” and cross every “t,” so I didn’t know what He was talking about.
Physically, I was ready. I just needed to repack bags from an earlier preparation. Financially and health-wise, everything was set. Spiritually, I wasn’t indulging in sin and had prayed countless times about how my service year would go. I had even suggested a seven-day fasting and prayer to a few friends, and we held it. So why was God holding me back? I started wondering if He had another assignment for me in my present location.
That same day, WhatsApp notifications confirmed that call-up numbers were released that morning. When I tried checking mine, I couldn’t access my account. I had created a new password for my NYSC portal and promptly forgotten it. Though curious whether the Holy Spirit’s words would prove true (not that He had ever been wrong), I told myself I’d remember the password by the next day and dropped my phone. When I finally accessed my account, my number wasn’t there.
Initially, I felt grateful for hearing God clearly. But joy quickly gave way to wondering what He was planning. I’d been patient rather than anxious about NYSC. I wasn’t bothered by friends and colleagues seemingly moving ahead of me; I simply wanted to understand why God considered me unprepared when I felt ready. I started asking Him, but He remained silent.
A few days later, when I wasn’t even questioning, the Holy Spirit answered: “Tosin, I’m delaying you because there’s a virtue I want to cultivate in you. You think you have it, but not as much as I desire. Certain situations have been testing this virtue for a while, and you haven’t demonstrated it as I want.” He was right. I’d been experiencing situations that exposed how much I lacked this virtue. I had prayed about it and tried exhibiting it through willpower, but the struggle continued.
When I realized this was why God delayed me, fear crept in. Despite praying and believing God could give me this virtue, I wasn’t walking in it. His message was clear: until I could exhibit this virtue as He desired, I wasn’t going anywhere.
“How long?” I asked. “But I’ve been praying for months. How long will it take?” His reply pierced my heart: “As long as it takes you to surrender and stop striving. You can’t attain it otherwise.”
My heart sank. Truly I had called upon Him for help, but I’d also not stopped striving in my own strength, wrestling through willpower to achieve what God wanted to work into me. I immediately remembered Job’s decision in Scripture: “If a man die, shall he live again? all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come” (Job 14:14 KJV), and I quickly agreed to let God use this appointed time to increase this virtue in me.
Every midnight, I knelt in prayer and asked for help, begging Him to do what I couldn’t. Nothing changed until one midnight when He said, “Wait upon me in fasting and prayer for seven days.” By His grace, I began that very day, spending hours in my room fasting, praying, worshipping, reading Scripture, and meditating. Though it felt futile, I kept knocking on Heaven’s door.
On the sixth day, a Sunday, my church moved our usual evening gathering to immediately after the service. Despite having many tasks, I stayed. The teaching wasn’t directly related to my desired virtue, but the teacher—unaware of God’s dealings with me—shared how God had demanded this same virtue from him. He spoke about the difficulty but also about how God helped him exhibit it. Right there, I gained strong assurance that my longing was achievable, and my determination intensified.
Walking home that afternoon, I cried and pleaded with God again. He gave me a specific instruction—one I had told Him I wouldn’t obey anymore because it felt foolish and never seemed to work. However, like Elijah who kept sending his servant to look for rain clouds while he prayed, I decided to obey this instruction once more. I repented of my disobedience and obeyed.
Surprisingly, that was the key. I had thought perpetual prayers would unlock it, but perpetual prayers plus perpetual obedience did. Since then, I’ve seen myself walk in that virtue in ways I previously struggled with. What I once chased like wind has become the air I breathe; I exhibit it effortlessly now. It was and remains a miracle.
I’m grateful God used that season to ingrain this virtue in me. He held me back to make me whole and pushed me back to perfect me. How beautiful! Looking back, I realize God rarely just hands us His gifts; He often wraps them in sacred seasons and shaping circumstances.
I thank Him for the initial wrestling, the whisper that told me I wasn’t ready for the next phase, the waiting that allowed Him to weave the virtue into me, and the wonder of how He accomplished it. I’m grateful He didn’t let me exit a season whose juice I hadn’t fully squeezed. He held me back to make me whole. Hallelujah!
While I wrote this piece, I remembered a song titled Tend by Bethel Music and Emmy Rose. Here’s some of the lyrics:
In the landscape of my life
You don’t rush through any season
You always take Your time
A careful hand, a gentle guide
You take what’s dead away
And You prune what’s running wild
So be the gardener of my heart
Tend the soil of my soul
Break up the fallow ground
Cut back the overgrown
And I won’t shy away
I will let the branches fall
So what You want can stay
And what You love can grow
Have Your way in me
Have Your way in me
Let it grow, let it grow, let it grow
I’ll remain in You, You’ll remain in me
And I will trust Your timing
I’ll remain in You, You’ll remain in me
From the start until the ending
‘Cause You know better
Every line above mirrors what God did for me in that season. He didn’t rush the process, and I’m thankful He didn’t. He broke the fallow ground of my heart, pruned what was running wild, and made room for what He wanted to grow. I’m grateful I remained in Him and trusted His timing about my service year.
The delay wasn’t denial; it was divine cultivation. Indeed, He knows better.
©Tosin Asiribo
One response
Anyone who is or has been in a waiting season can absolutely relate to this. God knows best. He’s deliberate about ensuring we make the best of every season of our life. If only we’d let Him. God bless you, sis, for this piece